The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of The Rogue News staff or of Ashland High School.

Ladies and gentlemen, as soon as men give up the responsibility for paying for lunch, we may no longer be able to truthfully call ourselves “ladies” or “gentlemen.”

Luncheons have long been the venue for meetings between men and women in polite society. They have a strict code of etiquette dating back to feudal Japan. If a samurai failed to pay the bill, he had dishonored his ancestors and had to commit ritual suicide.

Let’s get one thing straight: I, like my opponent, am a feminist. I believe that women are perfectly capable of paying for themselves. And that is why I also believe that men should do it for them. For the past millennia women served men, forced to do things males are quite capable of doing themselves: cooking the meals, cleaning the house, bearing the children.

Okay. Maybe not that last one, but the point still stands.

Men, it’s time to serve your feminine counterparts for a change. Hold the door, take their coat, stop wearing Axe body spray. It’s the least we can do after a few thousand years of oppression. And ladies, you have to understand that paying for lunch is how we men say “we’re sorry” for not letting you vote until 1922.

My opponent argues that paying for lunch is sexist, but this little angel has her head in the clouds about real sexism. Women receive only seventy-two percent of a male salary. Men have an obligation to make up for that deficit. I see no reason why such reparations can’t be made in the form of caramel frappuccinos and marionberry scones.

Finally, some say men and women should “split the bill.” Ladies and gentleman “sharing the cost, each according to their own expenses” sounds a little bit too much like COMMUNISM for this humble observer.

So boys, pick up the tab… for America.

Heavenly Messages From Angelica: Should Men Always Pay?

My eighty-five year old grandma once shared some advice with me: “If he’s not paying, there’s no point in going.” As much as I love and respect my grandmother, I do not believe that these words are among her wisest. This rule of thumb might have been applicable in the 1940s, but times have changed, Grandma. Thanks to the Women’s Rights Movement, it is no longer a man’s job to pay for dinner.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy a free meal just as much as any other free loading teen, but I must admit that I enjoy my dignity more. When you think about it, your parents have always been the ones to pay for your meals. If your date is taking this role of your parents, should he also take the role of grounding you in solitary confinement when you’ve done something wrong? That is the message you are sending when you allow someone else to pay for your dinner.

When it comes time to pay for her small Greek salad with low fat dressing on the side and the waiter places that ever symbolic black book on her table, the girl usually sinks into her chair and smiles sweetly as her date reaches for his wallet. This is not the okay ladies; it is time to take charge and show your independence.

Do you think that Oprah lets Steadman pay the bill? The minute the man is handed the tab, he is handed all of the power. Dante is the perfect example of a man on a power trip; just last week he ordered me to make him a sandwich. So ladies, please, do me a favor and order some Fettuccini Alfredo and show your independence by paying the bill. This way he can save his money on your food and use it for a beautiful diamond ring instead.