Jared and Jude: Autumnal Dudes
Your comprehensive, all inclusive guide to the fall of 2018.
December 7, 2018
Fall—the season of kings. Who doesn’t love the leaves changing colors, warm blankets, nighttime seeming to start at 3pm and a constant dampness. It truly is a magical season of intrigue and wonder. That is why we at the Jared and Jude headquarters, residing in room 202, are providing you with an in-depth comprehensive review of fall, including its many seasonal activities such as reading, incontrovertible controversy about a seemingly innocent film, songs and a little pumpkin spice.
A Controversial Take on a Sensitive Subject
Satirical Review by Jared Stamper
“Ralph Breaks the Internet.” Although this movie is yet to be released, its message and plot scare me. Imagine you’re a kid, 12 years young. You and your gang of friends are about to go see this wicked cool film about a video game character named Ralph. You get into the theater and start watching Russian propaganda, set out to brainwash you and your friends. To do what, you may ask? That’s the easiest thing to figure out: to break the internet.
We can assume that wherever Ralph travels within the internet he breaks the area. Well get this: we know from the trailer that he visits the Disney website. While they don’t go into detail about what happens there, we can make an inference that since authorities of some sort are following them here, that they must have broken something. Is there a bigger symbol of capitalism than Disney? If you haven’t put it together yet, Ralph is breaking the largest American symbol of capitalism there is, and no one is batting an eye. Keep your kids out of these commie brainwashing facilities. This is brain-damaging propaganda. It is harmful to the American way, the American dream, and America itself. Disney are a bunch of Commies, Ralph is a Commie. Let us not fall to these dissidents.
The Jam to End All Jams
Jude asks: fall music exists?
What makes a fall song? We genuinely don’t know. There are songs about fall and stuff but we don’t care about those to be honest. As soon as Thanksgiving hits it’s like a switch flips in every department store, changing the music in every BiMart to Michael Bublé. That’s why we want to warm you up, like a fire, to the coming tides of Bublé with his hit “When I Fall in Love” which is only a fall song because it has “Fall” in the title. I don’t even know if the song is good. I haven’t listened to it.
One Hungry Boi
Jared recounts an epic tale
The internationally acclaimed “Very Hungry Caterpillar” by Eric Carle is the perfect read for the fall. It is a coming of age story, which also fits in well with the theme of fall. This is shown throughout the book based on the fact that there are plenty of multi-color leaves, and an extreme bounty of food commonly seen in fall. It is truly a fantastic story of maturing into adulthood. You can see the main character, who is nameless throughout the book, go through the stages of grief, youth, and aging all through this epic saga of personal growth, a story, meant for the ages.
Pumpkin Spice Everything
Jude Williams’ complete list
Pumpkin spice roll, pumpkin spice bread, pumpkin spice cookie, pumpkin spice cake, pumpkin spice truffles, pumpkin spice muffins, pumpkin spice latte, pumpkin spice squares, pumpkin spice whoopies, pumpkin spice syrup, pumpkin spice cupcakes, pumpkin spice snickerdoodles, pumpkin spice bagels, pumpkin spice bars, pumpkin spice yogurt pretzels, pumpkin spice smoothies, pumpkin spice Cheerios, pumpkin spice soft caramels, pumpkin spice protein powder, pumpkin spice dog treats, pumpkin spice Oreos, pumpkin spice blended greek yogurt, pumpkin spice Jell-O pudding, pumpkin spice milk chocolate truffles, pumpkin spice caramel corn, pumpkin spice kombucha, pumpkin spice Quaker Instant Oatmeal, pumpkin spice cream cheese, pumpkin spice rum and coffee liqueur, pumpkin spice coffee creamer, pumpkin spice marshmallows, pumpkin spice almonds, pumpkin spice bagels, pumpkin spice coconut milk, pumpkin spice popcorn, pumpkin spice cinnamon rolls, pumpkin spice Frosted Mini-Wheats, pumpkin spice Peeps, pumpkin spice kettle corn, pumpkin spice cookie dough, pumpkin spice moonshine, pumpkin pie Pop-Tarts, pumpkin spice mild Caribbean-style salsa, pumpkin spice burrito, pumpkin spice Milano cookies. Need we say more?