Suriel Hess, the Freshman Threat

Suriel Hess, the Freshman Threat

Recently, I spoke with Freshman Suriel Hess on his experience so far with Mr. Grizz and what he hopes to achieve. The interview revealed him to be witty and likeable. Suriel may be a freshman, but he poses a serious threat to other Mr. Grizz contestants.

Q: How were you chosen?

A: I was born to be Mr. Grizz! I was chosen, but I was destined from birth.

Q: What are you planning to do for the talent portion of the contest?

A: Well, I’ve written a song that I will sing while playing guitar, and I’m gonna woo all the fly honnies with my majestic voice.

(At this point, we concluded that this contestant does not lack a sense of humor.)

Q: What are you taking away from this experience?

A: I can seriously shake my hips (an unknown “quality”).

Q: Have you built any new relationships?

A: Joseph Yaconelli and I have very intimate moments together. I have grown to be very fond of his chest hair; I get lost in its mystery.

(By now, we were trying to continue the interview and not burst out in laughter. Mysterious chest hair? How could you not die from laughter?)

Q: Have you acquired any special talents to prepare you for Mr. Grizz?

A: No. I was born with every talent necessary to win this. I am perfect, but I have learned some new things about myself. For one, I can get money from people, but I want people to know that this is about the babies and seeing people give money to the babies touched my heart.

(We’ve now added sensitive to the list of talents!)

Q: What has been your favorite part of the experience this far?

A: Well obviously, second best is Joe’s mystical chest hair, but I’d definitely say that number one was being close to Cole Harding; VERY close. Oh by the way, I got them abs of steel.

(At this point, he proceeded to have every girl in the interview room feel his “crevassed abs of steel”).

Q: How do you feel about your competition?

A: I mean obviously I have the perfect personality (and abs apparently) to win, but some say that seniors have this “special quality”. I’d say my biggest competition is Joe.

Q: What already gives you the feeling of victory?

A: That I can woo the ladies, (or as he likes to put it “fly honnies”) my majestic vocals, Shakira hips, I got the Beyonce strut, my crevassed abs, and of course my entrancing eye contact.

(We each received the entrancing stare.)

Q: Is there anything you are not looking forward to?

A: Hearing Joe cry after I win, because I do love him. With a deep and fiery passion.

Q: What has been the hardest part of the experience?

A: Containing my sexual attractions towards the other men has been really tough. Something about them just gets me goin’. Maybe it’s Joe’s chest hair…

Q: What inspired you to become part of Mr. Grizz?

A: One day, I was looking in the mirror, I smiled and just fell in love with myself right then. And I knew I would win.

Q: How do you become a part of Mr. Grizz?

A: The freshman in leadership nominate freshman. I’ve got everything they were lookin’ for.

Q: Anything you would like the readers to know before this election takes place?

A: I’m single and looking for a lovely lady with a similar personality to Joe. If not, I’ll just take Joseph! Oh, if female, her name would preferably be Josephine.

Q: Final words?

“I wish we could cuss because I’d say watch the f*** out.”