For too long, mankind has lived in constant fear and uncertainty. Unable to chart his own course upon the waters of life, his rocky boat shifts and turns with every ebb and flow, and the ocean is where is mercy lies.

But lo, from the heights of Mount Olympus, there descends a figure who, so certain he is in the tides of human existence, is up to the task of guiding mankind’s journey to its proper destination. That figure is known to mere mortals as Samuel Cower, and he deigns to help you with your problems. Whether you want him to or not.

Shall we begin?

Question 1:

Dear Samuel,

What are some creative uses for old CDs? I’ve just converted the last of my music collection to MP3 (slowpoke, I know), and I’m wondering what I could do with the old discs besides throw them out.

-Just Another Music Lover

Personally, Jam-il, I’ve lost count at this point how many different uses there are for old CDs, and many of them are ways most people don’t even think about.

Sure, there’s the usual ideas like “hang them on a string” or “use them for bike reflectors”, but have you ever thought to melt one down into a candle? How about grinding them up into fine crystals and inhaling them? Or how about using the sharp edge of a broken CD to puncture the tires of the guy who sold it to you? That’s the last time he’ll ever sell a Nickelback CD, I can tell you that much.

Question 2:

Dear Samuel,

I need money. I’d like to get a job, but nobody around here is hiring, and besides, I’ve never had a real job before anyway, so there’s nothing I can put on a Résumé. What’s the best way to get past this barrier?

-Josh the Unemployed

Joey, you’ve got it all wrong. All you’ll ever get with money is people sponging off you; your friends, your wife, your kids, the government, everyone.

So my advice is this: don’t be the sponge-e. Be the sponge-er. Get some rich friends and right that gravy train through every shop and restaurant in town. Since you never spend a dime, you’ll never have to make a dime.

And if those rich friends ever ask you to pay them back at any point, laugh and order another round of kobe ribs. As long as you never show fear, they’ll never cut you off. Rich people can smell fear, you know.

Question 3:

I want to get my boyfriend something nice for his birthday, but I’m not sure what to get him. He likes video games and punk rock. What do you recommend? 

-Somewhat Clueless

Based on literally those two facets of his personality that you’ve provided to me, I’ve determined a number of potential gifts that I think he would appreciate:

-His XBox, recently smashed with a baseball bat.

-Mario Bros neck tattoos.

–Guitar Hero: Sonic Youth

-Cigarettes shaped like health bars.

–Dead Rising, which is mostly smashing braindead masses with stolen goods in a shopping mall.

And so on.

Question 4:

The last few days, I haven’t been able to fall asleep. What’s an easy cure for insomnia?

-Baggy Eyes

I think sleep is for the weak, personally. Sleep is the body’s resignation that it can’t perform its most basic tasks anymore. Sleep leaves you open to attacks by your enemies. All that time you spend sleeping could be spent doing more important things, like playing video games for 8 hours straight, or reloading Facebook every 10 seconds for updates.

But that’s just my experience, and if sleep is really that essential to you, make chocolate pudding at 4 AM. Works every time.

Question 5:

My boyfriend broke up with me Wednesday. He was the love of my life, and I don’t know why he did it, but at the moment I’m feeling really confused and alone. What should I do?

-Desperate

Hm, that’s pretty sad. Tell you what: come to Mihama’s this Saturday at 7; I’ll be waiting there. The food’s pretty good, and I’ll see if I can take your mind off the whole thing. It’s the least I can do.

By the way, be prepared to split the check 96/4.

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Got questions of your own? You can send them to [email protected], and one of them just might show up in next week’s column.